i don't need a crown to be a princess.. it comes naturally :P

take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*

05 August 2005
8:55:00 PM

time to reflect..

if you don't feel like being in a pensive mood right now, i suggest you click the close button on this window.. this is gonna be one emotional rollercoaster..

so yeah.. my bday is coming up.. monday to be exact.. but for some unkown reason, i cant seem to feel it.. sure im having a party and all.. in fact, i've got 2 parties planned already.. but heck.. im not in a festive mood.. but then again, im looking forward to being 15.. not like anything's gonna change.. i mean, my parents are still gonna see me as this little girl who has to be protected from all the evil in the world.. i'll still feel like a doormat despite the fact that i'm quite vocal about my opinions.. now that i think about it, most of the time i'm pretending.. pretending in a sense that i just show people that i'm happy and stuff.. that i'm ok when i'm really feeling down.. it's like an oxymoron.. i'm very opinionated and i can defend what i think is right, yet i can't seem to tell other people how i feel.. i can't tell some of my friends that i really miss them.. i want to but i'm afraid it would lose it's sincerity because it's already overused.. i want to tell some of them that i feel used and abused.. i'm always there to help them with schoolstuff and lending them money.. sometimes i don't even remind them to pay up which makes them forget.. i don't care about that.. i don't care about how much money i've lost or how many times i've helped them study for quizzes.. i care about how they've taken me for granted.. to the point where some of them even forgot my bday.. i know i don't have a right to make them remember.. im guilty of not remembering some of their bdays too.. but the mere fact that all i've done for them isn't valued makes me wonder what i'm doing wrong.. is it not enough? have i been selfish?

since i feel like reflecting on my life, i want to share what happened to me last saturday.. i was at the entrance of gateway with my friends waiting for our car.. it was 9:30pm ata.. the weather wasn't so good.. all of a sudden, a little girl approached me, asking that i buy sweepstakes tickets from her.. she was about the same age as my brother.. 6 maybe or 7.. and she was just looking sadly into my eyes practically begging me to buy something from her.. that was such a moving experience.. i couldn't see myself buying from her but i wanted to help.. i just heard this voice in my head convincing me that i had to help her.. i know it might sound lame.. but i got lollipop from my bag and gave it to her.. it's better than giving her money cuz someone might just take it from her.. so she said thanks, smiled at me and left.. i just stood there dumbfounded.. i began to think of how fortunate i am compared to others.. unlike that girl, i'm not forced to sell stuff and walk on the streets at dangerous hours.. unlike her, i just finished spending my parents' cash on unnecessary things.. i cried that night in bed thankful for everything God ever gave me.. i told myself to be more selfless and patient.. i had to reach out and make a difference in my own little way.. i believe that people who are given more have this responsibility to share what they have..

i don't know how people will react to this particular entry.. this is, by far, the most significant entry i've ever written.. i hope that through this, others can recognize the value of people and things around us.. i hope that we can all become less materialistic and find joy in the simple things.. and i hope that in a way, i have attained my goal of making a difference..

hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*